A thing I made.

I've made a few. Do you actually want to see them?

Not officially not a toilet.

Everyone loses.

A recipe for Crunchy Spinach Mac-asserole
(AKA Weird-but-sort-of-familiar Pie)

-Take a giant bag of macaroni noodles. Place them in a pot. Fill the pot with water.
-Realize that you are supposed to add the noodles after the water is boiling. Fish out the noodles and decide on a smaller pot. (Re-add noodles when water boils). Boil noodles until they look good but are still hard and basically inedible.
-Put noodles in a casserole dish.
-Add an arbitrary amount of cream cheese.
-Add an arbitrary amount of spinach.
-Add an arbitrary amount of green onions.
-Realize that you are out of bread crumbs, so put some sort of stale bread in toaster oven for a while. Crumble over casserole.
-Set oven to 350 degrees (or whatever). Bake until you remember that you had a casserole in the oven.
-Broil for 3 minutes.
-Marvel at the fact that broiling really can burn a casserole that fast.
-Scrape off burned top.
-Eat (while watching something vile).

Hurray for casserole!

Sound dream.

Doug Nufer and I were either in his wine shop or fishing in a yacht on the Puget Sound. We were going to invent punk rock. And we were going to brew beer in our basement. And then I was at a shooting range with Divine.

I woke up totally inspired. Had spaghetti for breakfast.

Temptation Bay

Nutria are no good with computers. That is a fact that you can put in a book and no one will argue with you. For instance: I needed to buy a plane ticket. I did it online. I went and saw my family (they all have great hair). I bought my return ticket to the wrong city. Incidentally, this may be how nutria got to the US in the first place. Don't put that fact in a book, please.

So that's how I wound up in San Francisco, anyway. Let me tell you something: it is kind of awesome. Never having been to California, I thought the best way to approach this would be to not plan anything. So far so good. I'm not dead yet. But we'll see, my tail might be worth more than five dollars in this big, fancy-book-lernin' city.

even nutria have limits

So it looks like I finally have a solid reason to ween myself from vitamin water. According to wikipedia (which is always, always right), Glaceau is being bought out by Coke.

It's OK. I didn't really need the electrolytes, anyway.

Ignored by Hollywood

The New York Times has something to say about Knocked Up. Thank you.

My breeding is OUT OF CONTROL.

True fact. Nutria do not stop with the fucking. Yet another reason to wear fur and fill a crockpot with my tasty ass. (That's two curses.)

So but D. and I went to go see Knocked Up yesterday. Heard of it? Yeah, it's all full of our best friends from Freaks and Geeks (1).

Right. It's a movie about baby-making, just to backtrack and make sure that you know what's up. It's about baby-making and making the baby-making right by sticking together, working it out, making the baby have mommy and daddy. I can get behind that. This situation reminds me a bit of my parents, so I also GET It a little bit.

But what is it really trying to say? I watched it, and I don't know. Judd Apatow's last movie was basically about waiting to have sex until marriage. You heard of that one? It's called The 40 Year Old Virgin (2). Are these funny jokes about asses and boobs and condoms (3) masking some kind of conservative, back-to-the-family-unit agenda? It's hard to say. D. and I talked about it. She's a smart lady. I'm pretty much the smartest guy I know. We still don't know. You should talk to me about this. Give me your opinion. Wait maybe until I have less caffeine in me. That would be nice. I will make more proper paragraph breaks.
1. including James Franco. la la.
2. Rent the rated version. The extra breasts just make the movie seem longer. Because it is.
3. Judd Apatow hates condoms, apparently. I have never seen someone have as difficult a time with a prophylactic. Sorry.

Orange teeth.

There is a man in Brooklyn who is inventing a language. He came into the bookstore and spent a healthy amount of time browsing the language and linguistics section of the place. I had heard of him before, and I'm not sure of why it didn't occur to me that the man asking me questions about language books is the same man as is so notoriously interested in language. Well.

It's a color-based language. He gives lessons. Learning the language is supposed to help you spell English more correctly. I guess. Who knows?

I invented a language once. It was sort of time consuming. Plus I didn't do it alone. Plus it didn't have words.

Some more notes on being invasive.

1. You might have noticed, but I have no real need to keep a blog, other than a nagging urge to overshare. I am all over this internet revolution thing. I even briefly had a profile on OurChart, because, what the hell, you know? So here I am flooding the world wide web with things that I should just maybe say out loud to people that I meet. I mean, they would have a more comedic impact if you could watch me spill stuff on myself and twitch my nose and show my front teeth and all. Maybe I could start listening to bands or something.
2. Invasive species prevent biodiversity. You should read some E.O. Wilson if you are concerned about that sort of thing.
3. I am not from here. As such, I see a lot of WACKY things, that are just plain CRAZY. Today I saw:
a. a seven-year-old kid text messaging.
b. the cutest dog ever. It was like a mix between a chow, a keeshond, a collie, and an australian shepherd, but all round and amazing. It was 17! And had a super-cute semi-short haircut. I wanted to hug it.
c. the Statue of Liberty outside of the F train (when it was above ground). Sometimes that statue seems huge, as was the case looking at it out the window, but other times it seems tiny. That is an observation that I had on my own, but have heard elsewhere.
d. the bridge of River Phoenix's nose on the cover of a book that is not about River Phoenix. I will get back to you about what book that was (and then this can be a "litblog").
e. the Onion. IN PRINT! I mean, I knew about that, but I still smirk and shake my head when that happens. You can look up The Onion on your own. You know what it is.
f. Animal Collective. FOR FREE! (Ok, that happened a couple of days ago, but it was neat.)
4. Observation about Williamsburg: Apparently, it is a brand now. So, if one were to continue to seek out the next big thing, does that make one cool or just a neo-yuppie? Oh whatever. Let Brooklyn give a fuck. I'm going to just eat a bunch of hot dogs.
5. Look at me; I blogged!

I am not where I belong.

A lady yelled at me. It made me feel nervous.

Olympia is too good for me.

But I am not too good for Olympia. I have been cruising the Capital Lake, lately. Some people love me. Some people are not having very good feelings. Other people just want to make arguments against me.

That's fine. You know what? I'm coming back anyway. Keep yourself in check, Oly, I have some plants to eat.

Nature vs. Nutria

When you spend most of your time in a forest, hygiene becomes very important. Though the ears are largely a self-cleaning organ, and ear wax is one step of defense against germs entering the body through one of our many mucus membranes, my ears are small and delicate. I start to notice when there is a bit too much build-up.

And sometimes things get in there which just plain shouldn't.

So a friend of mine and I decided to experiment with ear cleaning techniques. We couldn't find any ear candles, although that was completely appealing. Instead, we used a simple solution of watered-down hydrogen peroxide*. The bubbles felt funny as they sat inside my ear canal. After a short while, I felt a definate "pop," accompanied by screams from my friend.

"What is it?"
"I'm not going to tell you. Just wait."

I drained my ear onto a nearby napkin.

I looked down.

It was a huge bug completely encased in wax.

This was two and a half years ago and I still fully expect to wake up and have my head explode with tiny baby insects.

So that's a lesson.


*I don't remember the recipe. Also, apparently some people are allergic to peroxide or something. You shouldn't do what a nutria does. It will get you shot.

I read only the best parts of the books.

I am sort of like this. Only I brush my teeth.